I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
