mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
