I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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