New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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