I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
