Cold hands, warm shart.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
