Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
