I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize