i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
