Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
