You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
