Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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