Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
