You're a womanizer and a bitch.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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