You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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