i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
