my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
