I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
