He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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