dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
