fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
