Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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