Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
oh god the rape fog is back!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
