I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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