Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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