her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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