Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
