Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
