There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
