she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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