turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
