Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
