everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
