i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize