Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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