Welp...herpes.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize