Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
