I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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