gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
