oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We had to coat check the pizza.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
