Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
