Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
