he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
