My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
barbara walters just said penis...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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