There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
