Whoa Z and x make the same sound
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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