I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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