I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
