Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
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