Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
