A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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