think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We need to get me chipped asap
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize