did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
