Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
