i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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