I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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