What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
sarcasm needs its own font
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
