OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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