i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize