dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
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