she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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