Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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