Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
