White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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