Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
