Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
